- Why did the guy try to avoid eye surgery by rubbing ketchup in his eyes? He had heard that Heinz sight was 20/20.
- Patient: “Doc, I get a stabbing pain in my eye every time I take a sip of coffee." Doctor: “Have you tried taking the spoon out of the mug?"
- What do you call a penguin with no eye? A pengun!
- At what elevation is your vision the best? See Level.
- Why don’t optometrists use tape measures? They’re really good at eyeballing it.
- What did the eyeball say to the eyelid? "I wish you wouldn't keep me in the dark!"
- Why did the pirate walk into the bar? He had his patch on the wrong eye.
- Cop: “Let me know if you see the suspect with one eye.” Bystander: “I already saw him run that way, but I was using both my eyes.”
- Man 1: “I stopped seeing my girlfriend two days ago.” Man 2: “Really? What happened?” Man 1: “She accidentally poked me in the eyes.”
- Woman 1: “I used to date a man with a lazy eye.” Woman 2: “Why did you stop?” Woman 1: “He was seeing someone on the side.”
- Patient: “Doc, my eyes are really dry.” Eye Doctor: “Here, smell this onion.” Patient: “That made me cry!” Eye Doctor: “Great, I pulled out the onion to make you moist-your-eyes.”
- How are your eye doctor and your teacher the same? They both spend their days testing pupils!